i'm fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack. lets be friends
She is not “my girl.”
She belongs to herself, and to all of the world. And I am blessed, for with all her freedom, she still comes back to me, moment-to-moment, day-by-day, and night-by-night.
How much more blessed can I be?❞
We talked about blogging in my social networking class tonight, so therefore it only felt fitting to write something tonight (even though I didn’t dare to mention I had a Tumblr because I’d GREEEEATLY prefer if only people know about this page at my discretion). It doesn’t hurt that I don’t have anything to do, have wine, and know I won’t be able to sleep for awhile with the amount of things on my mind tonight, so I might as well write.
I go home on Friday (at the ungodly hour of 5AM) for Easter break, and I can’t decide if I’m excited or strangely weirded out by going back. After all, its not really my home anymore. The pictures are off the wall, the superfluous furniture is in storage, and my room is back to looking like a guest room, with no obvious touches of myself left to view. It will be a weird feeling to go home to come back to school for the last time ever. I can’t believe the semester, also known as my educational career, is drawing to a close a month from today when I feel like it just began a month ago.
The house I grew up in and have no many memories is no longer “mine”, the cars soon will not be mine, my college/home away from home will no longer be mine, and my entire sense of familiarity is about to completely vanish, and right now I have NO CERTAINTY AS TO WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN OR WHERE MY HOME WILL BE OR WHAT WILL HAPPEN AFTER IT ALL ENDS. At the very least, I have a “plan” or “goal”, but we all know the best laid plans go awry.
But. I know I what I do have. I know I’m likable, charismatic, passionate, smiley, bubbly, extroverted, and so forth. I know I have something there. But what makes me nervous is the VERY REAL possibility that I won’t be good enough. What makes me better than anyone else thats applying for the same jobs I am?
On a completely different topic, me and my ex boyfriend from the beginning of my senior year of high school have all of the sudden been talking again. Like, a lot. Like more than we ever have since we broke apart; 5 or so years ago. Its extremely strange to experience/analyze how we talk, as it feels just as effortless and easy as it used to be, especially in comparison to the scattered few times we had spoken after we had broken up.
But at the same time, I can feel how different I am by my choices of words and my thought processes of responding, thinking, and understanding. I’m not 18 year old crazy insecure Rachel anymore, so its fair to assume that he’s not the same either. I know that I’ve accomplished, experienced, and seen a great amount of things that have transformed who I am as a human being.
We’re getting drinks on Friday night, as he’s just turned 21 and wants to go out in Chicago. I’m fine with it, but I’m weirdly nervous for the whole ordeal. Excited, but nervous. For the first time since we broke up, its got this whole sort of flirty air to the conversation, which is nice because it reminds me of what we were over five years ago when we were best friends that could talk about anything while just holding hands and talking about weird shit. Back when I knew he so openly adored me and I just played ignorant to both his and my emotions until I just couldn’t ignore the fact that I had in fact fallen for my best friend.
But god, its so bizarre to even BEGIN to think how strange it feels to know how much has happened since we were able to talk like this. I couldn’t help immediately think of the quote from Orange is the New Black, which reads:
“I think that when you have a connection with someone it never really goes away, you know? You snap back to being important to each other because you still are.”
I never realized just how relevant I’d find this quote to be, especially right in this moment with him. I even sent him that quote last night, and he agreed. Throughout the last few days he’s brought up that he still thinks that I am the most attractive girl he’s been with, the serious long term ex being seen as a close second, and how much it worries him to talk to me again. But god, I wanted it. I wanted the feeling that he used to always give me.
But I didn’t and don’t need it. Its just……….nice to have with me. Above everything, I learned that I still love this shit out of this kid in some way, and I don’t quite understand why. In fact, we were never not a weird and bizarre couple/friendship. I remember we somehow managed to become friends toward the end of my junior year of high school, and then friends became best friends, and then best friends that flirted incessantly, and then unrequited love between him and me after talking for awhile in summer 2009 while he was working in Wisconsin, the night he was angry and upset with me while I was talking to him on the phone at my grandparent’s place in Pennsylvania and I told him I liked him in desperation for him not to stop talking to me when the truth was that I liked him and had no idea how to move forward, and myself getting so crazy scared/excited when he got back; where we ended up kissing the second night we saw each other after we had gotten back. After that day, it was all downhill. We had become something different.
Just like he used to, he still looks at me like, and tells me that, I’m out of his league. Which does sort of very much make me upset/strangely comforted, as it always used to be the same way. From a sort of irritating societal perspective, I understand what he means; we’re completely different, and complete polar opposites, just as much as we used to be, and probably still are. I’m friendly, ambitious, motivated, loyal, smily….he typically hates interacting with people, hasn’t done much, hurt himself, calls himself “scrawny and soft-spoken”.
Also, as terrible as it sounds, it will soon be 7 (SEVEN) months since I’ve kissed anyone, and if the moments lend to a sort of interaction that results in us kissing, I won’t deny them. We had a lot of weird firsts together, which makes me hand him a sort of trust that I never would give to anyone else.
Ugh. Life is so weird. But man, going home this friday will bring together so many things.